dawn913's Blog

I finished reading chapter nine...I decieded to jump around because I was having trouble with the first chapter. I'm surprised by how insightful she is.  I guess it makes sense she has to know the inner workings of people, but I didn't expect the book to be that good.  I really like her pod cast too, 
I think the most important information I took with me is that if I choose to indulge in self-destructive behaviors it's not a one-time cost it actually engraves that unhealthy neural connection deeper.
I want a happy healthy realtionship and I guess that's how I'm defing my goal.  What does a happy relationship look like someone who understands me, accepts me, someone who is pateint, someone who I can trust, someone who makes me feel good not worse when thet're in my life. When I think about Colt I feel way worse since he's been around.  His presence contributies to my decline.  So I don't have a logical, justifiable reason for him to be around and by throwing him out now I create a new neural pathway that says...."I deserve healthy, loving people in my life." I don't deserve to me used, I have way more to offer.  So When I think about having sex with Colt what do I need to replace as an outlet.  I probably want to get a vibrator (sex) , write here on experince project (emotional need), I can pray. I really don't need him.  He has more of a negtive, draining influence, than a postive one and I really don'teven really know him that well.

So I obviously have my ex on the brain and I'm sure lots of stuff will continue to come up.  She brought up it takes  decade to become great at something so every yearsI'm stripping instead of doing what I really want to do....but I think it's importnat to say I like being hustler I just don't want to sell sex anymore.  

She talked about Target practice and how by practicing what needs the most work is a good way to practice.

She talked about having a mentor.  I wish I had a a mentor.I wish a lot of things were different.  I'm really liking her book.

Today I woke up at 6:00 pm because my sleep schedule is so out of whack. I did manage to walk on the treadmill although I wish runners cramps would not have kicked in so I could have really burned some calories. I did not got a lot done today and I'm a result-orientated person so days where I am mind-less and lazy seem like torture.
I'm glad that I have started to write again. I have not written a lot since I left college; however, it's so theraputic that I think I'm definetly going to be writing everyday.
I think my favorite thing about writing is the ability to learn and communicate life lessons to others. I tried art therapy today and it seems worthless to me. I know it probably has some purpose, but I do not see it. I get angry when I write because I realize that my skills aren't as good as they use to be; however, for the purpose for the experience project it will do. I also like how writing helps me focus instead of feeling like floating and groundless.
I read Boundaries today by John Townstead. It really helps to concrete those ideas in my brain. I'm really proud of myself and all the progress I've made. I've come a long way since I was 18. Sometime I feel regretful because I could have achieved so much more if my father would have taken care if himself. Sometimes I wish he would have left me completely when I was child instead of sticking around. Abandonment seems so much better than being used and abuse, I guess since dwelling in the past, wishing, and dreaming what could have been isn't productive the best I can do is to keep unsafe and unhealthy people out of my life.
I think I know a few of my poeple I that would like to be my friends, but because of I have seen them lash out, use, and abuse other people I'm too afraid to let them in my life. I know no one's perfect, but right now my tolerence for anyone that shows signs of possible unsafeness is out of the question. I do not want to use my energy setting boundaries with people that have a hard time accepting them.
Ashley, one of my potential friends is really smart, go getta, and funny; however, I've seen her tear people town and humilate people. I know she's in therapy and I can tell she's extra gentle with me and I appreciate that. She's even hashed out a few of my battles, but like my friend Kate says "The best protectors are also the best abusers."
If anyone reads this I love feedback as long as it given in the spirit of truth and love. Thanks ;)

 I finally told my father to leave me alone after much deliberation.  I took a week off work to deal with my depression.  My routines and goals that I use to keep me steady and give me a sense of purpose are no longer in place.  I feel like I'm swimming against the current and getting no where.  I've been contemplating my choice over and over again hoping I made the right decision.  I'm fight years of brainwashing and minipulation that both my father and my ex-husband have tried to put in my brain.  I know I just have to keep going.  I'm usally a fighter to the core.  I guess I just need to remember to take it one day at a time.  I have little energy let.  I hope tomorrow I can get back on track.  I've noticed the more I stay away from him the better I feel.