I finished reading chapter nine...I decieded to jump around because I was having trouble with the first chapter. I'm surprised by how insightful she is. I guess it makes sense she has to know the inner workings of people, but I didn't expect the book to be that good. I really like her pod cast too,
I think the most important information I took with me is that if I choose to indulge in self-destructive behaviors it's not a one-time cost it actually engraves that unhealthy neural connection deeper.
I want a happy healthy realtionship and I guess that's how I'm defing my goal. What does a happy relationship look like someone who understands me, accepts me, someone who is pateint, someone who I can trust, someone who makes me feel good not worse when thet're in my life. When I think about Colt I feel way worse since he's been around. His presence contributies to my decline. So I don't have a logical, justifiable reason for him to be around and by throwing him out now I create a new neural pathway that says...."I deserve healthy, loving people in my life." I don't deserve to me used, I have way more to offer. So When I think about having sex with Colt what do I need to replace as an outlet. I probably want to get a vibrator (sex) , write here on experince project (emotional need), I can pray. I really don't need him. He has more of a negtive, draining influence, than a postive one and I really don'teven really know him that well.
So I obviously have my ex on the brain and I'm sure lots of stuff will continue to come up. She brought up it takes decade to become great at something so every yearsI'm stripping instead of doing what I really want to do....but I think it's importnat to say I like being hustler I just don't want to sell sex anymore.
She talked about Target practice and how by practicing what needs the most work is a good way to practice.
She talked about having a mentor. I wish I had a a mentor.I wish a lot of things were different. I'm really liking her book.
I finally told my father to leave me alone after much deliberation. I took a week off work to deal with my depression. My routines and goals that I use to keep me steady and give me a sense of purpose are no longer in place. I feel like I'm swimming against the current and getting no where. I've been contemplating my choice over and over again hoping I made the right decision. I'm fight years of brainwashing and minipulation that both my father and my ex-husband have tried to put in my brain. I know I just have to keep going. I'm usally a fighter to the core. I guess I just need to remember to take it one day at a time. I have little energy let. I hope tomorrow I can get back on track. I've noticed the more I stay away from him the better I feel.
Previous PostsJillian Micheals chapter nine unlimited, posted April 20th, 2013
Letting go is a decision and moving on is a long process, posted November 28th, 2012
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